Board Thread:Character Journals/@comment-27245696-20151218214303/@comment-27245696-20160520035922

Justifying My Path
Sarai stated that regardless of any attempt I might make to avoid it, I'd always be brought back to choosing between two paths; aiding mankind or its enemy. Since then, I've made a conscious effort to embrace my supposed fate and allowed myself to become enlisted to aid mankind. I listened to Amaron. I joined his order. I reflected upon and continue to reflect upon my "divine" dream. I've even gone along with the plans of strangers including: Vargath, a nameless bartender, a hesitant tailor, and another unknown man that claims to be from the order.

The events have unfolded conveniently enough—we even managed to locate and rescue Yavin—suggesting that Sarai's theories about the universe might be true. But to what end? Should we continue to ride on luck and hope that the universe truly favors us? It's all too peculiar and mystical, leading me to worry that we might be ignorant tools.

I've acted naïve and foolish. Perhaps, if I were to stay with the order, I could bring about much good for mankind. Or perhaps I'm just a disposable pawn that's being manipulated for an unknown agenda. I've justified my actions for too long. I need to step back and reconsider my situation. If I am and will always be a pawn then so be it; just let me choose it. I will not be coerced into something I might have believed on my own.

Vagabond
I've always been a vagabond with no home or clear direction. The only constant in my life was my mother and brother. With them gone, it has been easy to become swept up in the ambitions of others. After all, I have none of my own. Not yet.

Rhyzal was a pretty gal and seemed to fancy me. I know nothing of her but our brief interaction led me to wonder if I might ever find a new family and new ambitions; to recover what I lost. I'm just not quite sure what that is. After all, my mother didn't seem to find it with my father nor did I feel much loss when my older brother died. There's clearly more to it than an attractive face or relation by blood.

I've come to develop an attachment to Lagreth. Protecting and relying on him as I have since we were stranded on the island has rekindled some of what I had with my family. I think that's what I want; or at least something akin to it.

Unfortunately, I don't fully trust Lagreth. He's a child that has yet to solidify his place. Additionally, his loyalties lie with the academy and his duties could quickly make him a dangerous enemy if I were ever to find myself in his way. I dislike the idea of playing with fire; especially his fire.

I'm not sure what to think of my other companions. Our association has been beneficial but formed mostly out of convenience. Only Vera has proven herself in the past to be a trustworthy friend and she seems uncommitted to our new objective, having remained apart during much of our time since arriving to the Academy City-State. I don't know where the others stand. Their actions and inexplicable willingness to cooperate confuse me.

Up until recently, I had suspected that our group might quietly disband itself at any moment, especially when circumstances became dangerous. Instead, we stuck together. We even continued our search for Leopold, actively bartering for any leads on his whereabouts despite the fact that we might be hunted men.

After learning about some recent sightings of Leopold, we reached out for conclusive information on Yavin and then risked our lives to save him. I don't understand these people. Why do they continue to fight? Why do they work for this cause? Do they, perhaps, feel as if they've nowhere to turn? No one else to trust?

I suppose this is why I've always been a vagabond. Who can I trust? Upon whom can I rely?

Heroics
Kaelib particularly surprised me in his efforts to rescue Yavin. Not only did he put precious gems on the table to help find him, but he courageously charged our enemies when we went to rescue him. I'd expect such heroics from Vera, who also joined us on this occasion, but not from Kaelib. I've seen both in several battles, but never had I witnessed, until then, Kaelib actually putting himself into direct danger. In fact, I believe this is the first time I saw him even use a weapon.

Kaelib might be more reliable than I thought. I thought that he saw little use for Yavin and didn't trust him. If that were the case, then why would he make such sacrifices for him? Is it a matter of honor? Trust? Desperation? Or maybe it's just a show?

I'm glad that Vera came along with us to fight for Yavin. Neither she nor Lagreth were with us when Yavin was taken. Had they been, that evening might have gone much differently. Likewise, they had a large impact on the outcome of the rescue. I doubt we would have been able to do it without them.

We found Yavin in a disturbing state. He had been gruesomely tortured for days despite having confessed everything he knew. I would have preferred to die were I in his situation. I suspect that he felt the same way. He didn't magically heal himself until after we had rescued him.

I've become far more proficient with the bow than I ever anticipated. I may even rival Cenric in his skill in aiming for I managed to strike my target in the heart just as he always would. I still need quite a bit of practice with my sword, however.

Continuing the Course
Leopold. Sarai. Amaron. The order. Vargath. I'm at a loss. If I continue my present course, any number of events, both beneficial and detrimental, could come from it. If I remove myself from it, however, I might find time to study the books I've been given, weigh what I've learned and might learn, and prepare for what might come. It would even give me the opportunity to test Sarai's theory about the two choices. What better way to prove its validity than to force it to manifest itself?

If I could, I'd temporarily, perhaps indefinitely, depart from my present company. Yet, if I leave now, I'm not sure where I'd go. I'm unfamiliar with the area and have no other friends. I can't just go to the woods and hope to encounter other roamers nor am I prepared for a long journey across the continent. I could be attacked by highwaymen, tracked by our new enemies from the city, or encounter any number of other dangerous situations.

Darius knows the area and may be willing to help me find my bearings, but he's currently committed to locating Leopold. Maybe I should stick with this for just a little bit longer. If it proves to be a quick resolution, then it might open some doors after we complete the mission. On the other hand, it may just lead to more commitment.

I'll continue on the present course. If my accomplices aren't committed to finding Leopold, then it'll eventually become apparent. If they are, then I'll eventually find I reason to leave on good terms. Right now, we have a good lead and might as well follow through with it.

Loose Ends
I've completed Lagreth's armor from the lizard leather. Hopefully he'll be able to make use of it under his robes before he outgrows it. I suppose I can give Yavin another sword, as well. On the other hand, he may prefer to use one of those that we took from his former captors rather than one with the mark of an assassin's guild.

I'm glad to have a reason to get rid of that leather and extra sword. As it is, I have no room in my pack for all the weapons and gear that we just took from the men that were holding Yavin. I suppose we'll have to sell or abandon what we can't fit. I wish I had the time or means to make better use of them.

Speaking of trying to find time, I recently read about recalling past dreams, reliving them, and even interacting with them. I'm going to try it. If I fail, I'll try it again and again until I either master it or decide it's fruitless. If there's actually meaning behind these dreams then I'm determined to uncover it; first for myself and then perhaps for the others.